Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
