you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
