You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
