Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
