I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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