I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize