If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
