wakey wakey hands off snakey
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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