I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
where are my eyebrows?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
