also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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