u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dignity is for republicans.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
