that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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