MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
