Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
