Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Houston, we have a squirter
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
