After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
try to milk me bitch
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