Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
