So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
