He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
