Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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