just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
