I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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