mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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