Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
