If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
