You made me cry and you don't even care
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize