I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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