I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
