I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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