this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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