I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
