He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
