I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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