Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
