I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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