i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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