the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
