I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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