Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
