Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
