I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
