I looked at my own cervix.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
