Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
