If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
