i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
