You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
