Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
