Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
