oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
