i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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