Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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