I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
