I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im six kinds of drunk right now
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize