my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
