I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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