Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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