official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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