News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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