using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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