woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
