how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
