On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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