all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
