Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
