dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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