I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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