whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
