My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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