if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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