My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's on the porch naked. Help.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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