Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
