I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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