If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
